Gravity is for suckers

Growing up in the south everyone needs to learn how to climb trees. One day while I was practice this art I decided that it would be fun if I almost fell into a 6′ sticker bush. Fortunately for me though I have an extreme fear of pain. One so great in fact that it allowed me to avoid a nearly life altering fall.

My sister and I were climbing a tree close to ur house in Millbrook. I am not sure why Shea was climbing with since we were more likely to fight than play together, but in this case I think we were both just climbing for the fun of it. My dad was watching and cheering us on as we climbed ever higher into the sky.

I was climbing up first and start up a branch that v’d off and became two branches. I made my way off to the right when Shea got to the same branch. She wanted to go right so obviously I had to go left. Since I was already a ways out the branch I wasn’t sure how I would back track around my sister and get to the left so I figured I would just switch.

Bad Plan. As I moved over I somehow fell off of my initial perch and was hanging above a large, round sticker bush. This thing actually was big because my dad could not get under me to catch me because of this bush. So my options were fall and try and dig my way out of the bush or to pull myself back into the tree.

Now I know you are thinking that it should have been easy for me to simply pull up back into the tree, but I was not always the strapping specimen of physical fitness that you know and love today. It was actually rather difficult because I was holding on around the limb that was too big for me to grip and use as a pull up bar. So I dangled, screaming like a schoolgirl and trying to decide how bad it was going to hurt when I fell into that bush.

Well after hanging for days (Ok maybe a minute or three) I finally pulled up and then shimmied back down the tree. I was glad to have my feet firmly on the ground.

Easter Memories

Nothing specific here, I will drop in some more stories next week. But for now here are a few things I remember about Easter:

1. Never finding the golden egg. I am the wost egg hunter in the world

2. Cadbury Eggs – I can taste everything about these right now, even the tin foil wrapper.

3. Hard shell marshmallow eggs – These are great

4. Looking for eggs that had slips of paper with money amounts on them….and finding one for $5 months later and not being able to cash it in

5. Hope and expectation of new people coming to church at RiverChase

6. Seeing my kids spit out the candy I love

7. Farah getting PEEPS from everyone she knows – she has made no secret about liking them

8. Understanding that Christmas is great, but it means nothing without Easter.

Booby traps by a really dumb kid

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies is “Boody traps, that is what I said, boody traps.” Aside from being impossible to type an Asian accent, that could be one of the funniest things ever uttered in human history from Goonies. If you have never seen Goonies then that won’t be funny to you. If you have and that is not funny to you then this post won’t be either so you may as well stop reading now.

Again, I don’t remember how old I was but when I was growing up my dad was a preacher of sorts at a small county church in Union Springs, AL. We would travel down every weekend for my dad to preach on Sunday. While we were there we would stay in the mobile home next door to the church. It was a good time and cool to go to the church where your dad was the preacher. (NOT)

But on one particular weekend I found a chain somewhere around the trailer. Having seen movies like Goonies I thought it would be cool to set a trap with my chain, but not just any trap. I wanted to set a beaver trap. Why a beaver trap you ask. I don’t know, maybe I had seen a little too much Lady and the Tramp, but anyway I was going to catch a beaver. Now like every kid I knew that beavers were around water so I stealthily looked for some water nearby. I was in luck because no more than 100 feet away from the trailer was a ditch with some water in it. This seemed the perfect place to set my trap for any unsuspecting woodland animals. So I did.

I set my trap and went about my day waiting for the trap to do it’s work. Now looking back on it I have no idea how I thought it was going to catch anything since all I did was throw it in the ditch. I also had no trigger that would let me know when the trap was sprung. So naturally like any kid I lost interest and went back to playing…..until I caught something.

I managed to catch one of the rarest creatures known to man….the working teenager. You see while I went to play something else the neighbor kid who managed the lawn of the church trailer and the church began cutting the grass. He never saw my cleverly disguised by the murky water pile of chain. (Insert evil laugh) As he pushed his pitiful mower over the chain it wrapped around the blade and rendered it useless. My trap had worked….just not for anything helpful.

Fortunately no one saw me “set my trap” and I sure did not volunteer that I had set it, because after the teenager fell for it I wasn’t about to claim to be the dumb one. I mean really, who doesn’t look into a shallow pool of muddy water in a drainage ditch before you cut the grass.

Psh.

Great Weekend

Farah and I spent the weekend in Helen and Memaw and Peepaw came up and kept the boys. We had a great time and really enjoyed having a little down time. I will post another useless story soon.

Oh, so that’s what that means

Have you ever noticed that kids pick up some of the most random things. And often it is not the stuff you want them to pick up. My kids for instance have picked up several things from teenagers that we have hung out with over the years. They have an extensive vocabulary of embarrassing words. But I picked up some of the same stuff when I was growing up as well.

Take for instance the time that I decided it looked cool to take my right fist and place it in the fold of my left arm and then raise my left forearm. It was so cool, I wanted to do it all the time. I don’t remember where I saw this act of awesomeness but I knew that it was the move for me. So walking down the hall at school I decided to show my signature move to the 5th grade class. ( I was in the 2nd grade)

A kid opened the door and I flashed my move. He laughed and shut the door. He opened it again and 2 other kids were there and I flashed it again. They laughed and were totally digging my style. They opened the door a third time and the door was full and so out of a sense of showmanship I flashed my move yet a third time as I strolled away. I felt totally cool and trod into my class feeling like I had inspired the masses.

About an hour later I was summoned by the 5th grade teacher (who was the most feared teacher in my school) and she stood me in front of the class and asked, “Is this him?” The students responded yes and I was sure I was up for some kind of award.

I was taken post haste to the principle’s office and heard the teacher say that I had given her class the bird. I was shocked an appalled at this accusation. The thought that I would do such a thing was offensive. Fortunately for me the principle was out so I was sent to the head basketball coach. He asked me what I did so I showed him my move. He asked me if I knew what that meant to which I innocently replied….no.

He went on to explain to me that my signature move was not a nice thing and meant something not nicer. I felt like an idiot and was made to apologize to the 5th grade class for my ignorance. So I was the kid that gave the fifth graders the bird and lived to tell about it.

Boo-yah

That’s gonna leave a mark

I never have been much of a dare devil…well, let me rephrase that. I am an adventurous person, but I take uncalculated risks. I run into things half cocked and try to clean up the mess when I am done. You think I would learn, but I think it is just a personality flaw.

Anyway, one of these times where I am pushing the envelope I decided to leave half of my face on the asphalt as a reward for breaking my fall. How you ask?

Well my brother and I got new bikes for our birthdays. Our b-days are 9 days apart and one year my parents got us identical bikes. They were so cool. They were black and white and had plastic “rims” on the wheels and they were styling. My sister threw a fit they were so cool. She threw so much of a fit actually my parents went out and bought here a new bike too. Before we could even ride them we had to load up and go to the store to get my sister a bike. Yeah, that’s how she rolled.

When we pulled back onto our slightly sloped street my dad said, “Whatever you do, do not race down this hill.” It’s like he was a freaking psychic. He totally knew what we were going to do. But the thing with parents is they often give rules without enforcement so the first thing we did was ….drum roll……race down the hill.

So my older brother and I set for a race and I am totally believing that I can beat him even though he is 4 years older than me. It didn’t matter I had a dream and with a dream you can do anything….insert inspirational music here. Well here is how it went down. I came off the line great and actually got in front of him. I was like “dude I have this.” I looked over my shoulder to the right to show him my I  just beat you smile and the funny thing was..he wasn’t there. He vanished like a ninja.

As I bring my head back around I catch him in the corner of my eye as he passes me…on the left….yup, I underestimated the sneakiness….and I was shocked that he passed me. But unfortunately he wasn’t all the way past me. My front tire hit his back tire and for those of you who are bad at physics…what had happened was, my bike stopped on a dime…this is bad because inertia did not care that my bike stopped so I kept going…over the handle bars superman style for a grand total of about 2 feet and then gravity decided that I couldn’t fly so I became very good friends with the pavement. Since we were now such good friends I decided to leave the right side of face behind so it could remember me.

Well, after my bike crashed on top of me and  I got to my feet my brother had circled back to me and was trying to figure out how not to die at the hand of my parents. He surveyed the situation and uttered the most brilliant comment I have ever heard. With half of my face scrapped off he poses this thought:

“Quit crying and no one will notice.”

Gotta love em.

Circus peanuts and redneck Coke

Changing direction a little I wanted to recount a memory I have from my childhood that is good rather than funny, and since this is my blog and there is no censorship on the Internet I can do whatever I want. So away we go.

One of the most vivid memories I have as a kid is my Saturday. I don’t know how many of them I had, just that I had them. I essentially remember them all as one, it may very well be that is was only one, but since I cannot be certain we will assume it was more regular. My Saturday was not an official title, just what I am deeming it for this conversation. This was the time that I got to go spend with my dad. These were few and far between in a family of six kids, but my dad saw the importance of investing in his children and took time out to be with just me.

The main memory I have of this time is that we would go “fishing.” I never remember catching a fish, just that we would throw a line and a cork in the water and hope something bit. I guess I should say we went “throwing a line in the watering” because that is all I ever remember accomplishing. I don’t know what we talked about and I can’t tell you a deep life truth I learned in this time. What I do remember is Circus peanuts and redneck coke.

To this day I love circus peanuts. The orange marshmallow peanut shaped candy. Yeah, I know most people think they are gross, but I love them. And if I had to guess it is this very event that made me like them. I ate them on my Saturday with my dad. It was our thing. We would stop at the store and get circus peanuts, peanuts and glass bottle coke. IF you haven’t figured out a redneck coke is where you put your peanuts in your coke. I know that sounds gross too, but I grew up on it and I love it. These were great times that I still remember and feel like have influenced me in the type of parent I want to be.

My kids may never remember what I say and they might hate circus peanuts, but I hope they will always remember the time I spend with them.

Scuba Steve told me to

The phrase “low hanging fruit” is often used to describe temptations that are easily attainable.  I assume it takes it origins from the whole Adam and Eve thing, but that is pure specultaion. I guess I could wikipedia the phrase but who has that kind of time. On one of my incredible adventures I encountered this delctable treat and fell in a little too deep into my temptation.

As a kid I loved quaters. I have no idea of where this affinity came from, but silver change was the greatest thing I could ever imagine. I loved all silver change but quarters were the best. Why, becasue quartes could buy things. Video Games, Bubble gum, baseball cards, sweet tart suckers at the ballpark, juices at school (come to think of it I stole one of those one time in ementary school) and the like were rare treats in my days as a child so each quater was almost “priceless”.

So what does this have to do with low hanging fruit? Everything, you see my love for quaters mixed with the fountains placed in the malls in Alabama proved to be an almost deadly combination. I mean seriously who decided to put a deep fountain…ok let’s just call it a well so I feel better. Who puts a “well” in a public place and then has people throw money in it where little kids can see it, but not reach it so that quarters lying on the bottom look up and taunt all who stare into the precious gaze of whatever dead president is on the quarter. I felt like Golum staring into the pool at “my precious” trying to decide if my arm was long enough to reach it.

Where were my parents is all of this? I have no idea. If they were anything like me they were watching me waiting to see what I would do, not every really expecting anything to happen. But it did happen…and with a splash…a big one.

My arm was not as long as my desire for that quarter. I fell head first into the “well” and became completly immersed in the water. It was like I was baptised at an old Southern Baptist Church with the preacher who liked to hold kids under just to make sure they stayed quiet in church. He was never really going to drown them, but if they think he is they are scared enough to keep quiet during his sermon.

So I was drenched….in the mall…in blue jeans….in the summer….in Alabama. In all my glory my mom made me walk around the mall chaffing until she finished doing whatever it was we were doing there. I was humiliated as I should have been and decided that I would NEVER try to get a quarter out of fountain again…..until my arm was longer or I had some kind of scoop.

Superman minus the super

For some reason my mind is always capable of things that are seemingly impossible. You know, you look at something someone is doing and you are like, I could do that. Unfortunately for me, I looked at things kids did in movies and thought, if that kid can do it then I can do it. This was during that age period before I learned about trick photography…so yeah everything I saw in a movie was totally possible. But sometimes all you need to try a death defying act is a little belief…

Again I am not sure about how old I was all I know is was somewhere between ignorant and stupid. My brother and sister and I had out bikes at the city park. I am still not real sure why, but we did none the less. Now one of the key features of this park was a creek that ran along side it. It was cool for walking in during the summer and trowing rocks into and stuff like that. On this particular occasion I was convinced I could jump the creek with my bike….with no ramp…..and no talent….all 20 feet of it. So needless to say my older siblings challenged me to do it. (I would think less of them if they hadn’t)

Armed with my unsubstantiated belief, I ride back at least 100 feet because that is all I need to be able to build up the required speed to make this jump. I am visualizing the looks of my brother’s and sister’s face as I clear this jump complete with slow motion thumbs up in mid flight. I calculate the wind to make sure I don’t get blown off course and begin to peddle. As I peddle all the ways in which my siblings declare my awesomeness  dance in my head. I am approaching the bank totally believing in my ability to jump this creek.

The moment arrives that I reach the bank. I pull my front tire into the air and begin my flight that takes me…..about 3 feet into a 20 foot jump. I nose dive into the creek and leave a face imprint on the creek bed that I am certain is still there today. As I pulled myself and my bike from the creek I tried to calculate my error and why I did not make it. I could not believe that I did not carry all the creek. So I rode home soggy and defeated and my siblings had a great laugh (again I would think less of them if they didn’t) at my feat.

But at least I tried..

I’ll take a floaty with a side of drama

I have never been a very serious person. Not to say that I am funny, probably more that obnoxious guy that taps you on the shoulder to get you to spin around and find that no one is there. You roll your eyes and return to the conversation you were interrupted from by some lamo who things that it is fun to interrupt serious moments with a fifth grade prank. I am that guy.

So with that bit of knowledge it is no surprise that my family almost let me drown. Yes, I am going to explain that. When I was growing up my dad was a youth director at a small baptist church. This might be the place I get my love for students, but if not it certainly accounted for jammed fingers, knots on my heads and other injuries at the hand of his teenagers. On a particular outing we went to a pond at one of the students houses. We had been swimming and jumping into the pond and everyone was finishing up as I made my last pass away from the bank.

I guess I need to tell you that I often push the limits a little more then I should some times too. And this was one of those times. Being a small kid, I wanted to go where the big kids were and realized a little too late that I am shorter than them. Short kid…deep water….not a good combo. So I stared bobbing up and down like a cork screaming for some help. My family thought I was kidding so everyone started to laugh and point and think this was a gag.

I vividly remeber looking to the shore bobbing in and out of the water thinking that I was about to die. It felt like an eternity, though it was probably only a minute, until one of the HS kids realized I wasn’t joking. Brad Glass dove in an drug me to shore and saved my life. It was crazy and I was of course scared, mad and all those emotions that go with an overdramatic almost bad situation.

But I lived to goof off another day.